Loving What Is: Four questions That Can Change Your Life, A Book Review



“Everything happens for me, not to me.“

This book was a game changer for me. It taught me to inquire within myself first and then look outward, but only after the inner work had been thoroughly investigated. It has helped me to not place blame on another for my actions or reactions. To truly look at the reality rather than the story. What our mind tells us is happening and what actually is happening, are often very different.


I first listened to this book on a few separate drives to the coast to visit my father after my step mother passed away. She died suddenly from a massive heart attack and the grief from that loss cut my abandonment wound wide open. A close friend suggested the book and I trusted her recommendation. She had never steered me wrong before.


I was always trying to make sense of my suffering. Asking why people would leave me; through death, silence, heartbreak, or the end of a life chapter. My thought throughout life has been “everyone leaves.” I looked at abandonment as I was to blame or an “ I told you so moment.”


Byron Katie speaks about so many levels of grief and change in this book. Every chapter is full of gold if you are really looking. As I continued to listen my direction shifted to healing and allowed my thoughts to turn towards the knowledge I have gained through loss and trauma. Each chapter is different going through different scenarios and examples of her journey. (You can get the book here.)


It’s been almost two years since my step mother passed and I am still applying the four questions for inquiry I learned from this book daily. As thoughts come in I ask myself first “is this true?” Most often I cannot confirm facts, because the source is unstable or it’s information from a third-party, my past, or my own stories in that moment are not factual information.


I have learned more than anything that people come in and exit exactly as they were meant to. It is not for me to control who, when, or how. Below are the four inquiry questions. Challenge yourself to ask these questions before blaming yourself and others.


  1. Is it true?

  2. Can I absolutely know this is true?

  3. How do I react when I think that thought?

  4. Who would I be without that thought?

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