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A Letter To Myself

Little girl you don’t have to stay quiet

You must not hide yourself

Show yourself

Stand and let your bones breathe

The world needs to see all of you

I can feel the warmth

The fire is burning

This time you will not be contained

Take my hand, I will guide you
Image by William Purta.

Most would say as a child I never hid from anything. I was far from the “quiet one” growing up. In fact, I was the opposite. I was always in trouble for talking too much. Always being shushed or put out in the hall. I talked endlessly at school. I talked because I was not heard. I was invisible. I kept all of the truths hidden and just tried my hardest to get attention, in all the wrong ways.

Childhood became adulthood and some still say I talk too much. I’ve had to undo the voice that says “no one is listening or cares what you have to say.” I know now that what I have to say does matter, especially to those it resonates with, and if it doesn't, that’s ok!

Hiding can come in all forms. Addiction being number one. Drugs, alcohol, sex, connections, shopping, working out, or making money; they all have a similarity. You get some sort of high. Be it the compliments of how you take care of you body, climax of sex, the rush of drugs, the loss of control with alcohol, the status because of the money you make. You lie, you steal, and you cheat in order to keep your addiction going. Then you hide in shame.

You’ve been hiding the whole time. If you were not hiding in your addiction you were hiding from the emotions that caused the addiction. Either way you were not showing yourself. You were not showing up and healing.

What my younger self was told and what my adult self now hears:

I talk too much, for you.

I spoke too loudly, for you.

I love too hard, for you.

I was too strong, for you.

I was too much, for you.

And that’s ok.

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I live this Katie. The words, the photo. All of it - beautiful and relatable. I’m done hiding too. I hope we bump into each other - out there 🙏🏼

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